...The Stimulus Package

10. Congress avoided reading my 1000+ pages like Obama's cabinet avoids paying their taxes. 

12. Blago's brother already propositioned me for a donation. 

23. Now!  With a new look!  In a new package! With .00967% more Stimulus! 

25. In addition to everything else, I'll enhance your performance and give you two extra inches. 

Snugs, 

The American Stimulus Package

...High Michael Phelps

4. I do everything with water, even my bongs.

11. Little known talent: I can blow Olympic-sized smoke rings.

17. You don't look like this without doing some kind of drugs.

25. I'm a male swimmer, if something long and hard is put in front of me, I will put my mouth around it. It's science.

Butterfly strokes and bong tokes,



*Micahel F&$% Yea! Phelps

...The Boss's Crotch at the Super Bowl

3. The inspiration behind "Glory Days"?  You just saw it. (In High-Def!)

4. Suck it, Cards! (In High-Def!)

5. Also called "The Boss." (In High-Def!)

21. Now you know where I got the inspiration for the song, "The Rising."  Itunes it. (Not in High-Def. ....Sadly.)

25. After tonight, you've all been "going down, down, down, down." (In High-Def!)

AND...HE...COULD...GOOO... ALL...THE...WAAAAAAY, 

-Bruce's sweet spot

...Journey's New Lead Singer at the Superbowl

1. Just replaced Mickey Rourke as "luckiest son-of-a-bitch" alive. C'mon, I used to be in a tribute band, now I'm in the band!  R-u-k-c-y!  

4. I'm still working on English. 

10. Go Rangers!

14. Still try to perform as if I'm doing karaoke in my basement. 

17. It's a wig. 

19. I was rejected from American Idol. Do you see the irony?

21. I believe I'm prettier than Randy Jackson. Hands down. 

25. I'm in the spirit world. 

Holdin' on to that feeling, 

-The new frontdude for Journey that was discovered on YouTube

...Drunk Diane Sawyer

3. enlknceoine

7. [hiccup]

4. enclkjoeijnls

25. And now back to Edward R. Murrow in the studios.  Ed? ... Ed? 

-Daine